


off-centre

by burrfication



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Coping Mechanisms, Dissociation, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-22
Updated: 2017-05-22
Packaged: 2018-11-03 16:18:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,795
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10970883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/burrfication/pseuds/burrfication
Summary: Finn struggles with PTSD and tries to work through some of the associated challenges. When he can't manage alone, Poe helps him ground himself enough to recover.This is a short fic, focusing on one particular event in Finn's recovery. Finn/Poe is mostly implied.





	off-centre

The only sound Finn could hear was the rhythmic thud-click-pew as his squad advanced. Step forward, keeping time, the sharp thud of his regulation boots just one of the thousands of steps around him. Cick - cock your weapon.The exact pitch confirms the blaster is set to kill.Of course it is: stormtroopers do not leave survivors. Pick your target, aim, and then -

\- then Finn’s head was spinning, and all he could hear were the screams, and he could smell the ash and blood and burning flesh and gods help him, the screams, and - 

“Finn.”

The sound of his name came slow like honey. It echoed through his brain. No, someone repeated it. Finn blinked - he had a name. He could still smell the stench of burning flesh and feel the heat from the flames, but: but no,that wasn’t right. He hadn’t had a name then. He had a name now. His name is Finn. He had not been Finn then, and that means he isn’t with his old unit on Jakku. He shook his head, trying to clear it. The world spun. Yes, Finn could still see the red of blood on a helmet, he could still see the fallen form of a child in a purple dress, but he could also see Poe. Poe gave him a moment of clarity, let him feel the cool night air in his lungs as he remembered.

This had happened before. 

The memory of Jakku haunted him still, but it was just a memory. He could see Poe in front of him, dark curls falling into worried eyes. Finn took a moment to count the lines in his forehead (some permanent, some a result of how Poe had furrowed his eyebrows together as he frowned). Finn didn’t like it when Poe frowned. Trying for reassuring, he said,  
“It’s okay. I’m Finn.”  
That, Finn was sure, would set Poe’s mind at ease. The realization had been a great reassurance to Finn, and he was glad to share it with Poe. Poe would stop worrying, and Finn could focus on figuring out how to stop the sounds of Jakku from ringing in his ears. He needed to focus. He looked away and took in the sights around him. 

He was on D’qqar. It was dark and cold outside, but Finn could see the bright light of the Resistance base twinkling in the distance. The pilots and their guests had flown past the forests and over the great freshwater oceans that composed large parts of the planet’s surface. It was only an optical illusion that the lights were visible at all: they should have been hidden beyond the horizon line, but the fat fluffy clouds drifting through the night sky reflected and projected the shimmering lights back onto the dark surface of the water. 

Finn looked up. One such cloud had just drifted past, and in its absence the small group of rebels were bathed in starlight. Fin loved planetside stargazing. He’d spent a great deal of his time watching the stars with Poe, making his own constellations and wondering if he had been born on any of the systems he could see. He could see one of his constellations now: the x-wing, marked by a great cross with a projection of the cockpit marked by three stars. It was his favourite constellation. The shape prompted him to look back down, first at the familiar shape of Black One and then to its pilot. 

Finn exhaled slowly.

He was safe; despite the cool of the night, his hands were warm where Poe had wrapped his own hands around Finn’s. Finn took a moment to stare at their joined hands. He liked holding hands with Poe, enough so that some distant part of his brain noted with disappointment that he was in no state to enjoy it. For all the time he had spent looking at things, he had not managed to fix his problem. His skin still crawled uncomfortably with dread as Jakku flashed before his eyes each time he blinked. He had been so caught up in it he hadn’t even noticed Poe take his hands. Another call of his name shifted his attention to Poe once more,and oh.

Poe was worried.

Poe was worried about Finn. Although not an uncommon occurrence, it always amazed Finn to have that look directed at him. Poe had a special look for when he was worried about Finn, one that Finn had never seen directed at anyone else. The attempt at a smile was crooked at best, drawn off-centre by the edge of Poe’s cheek being caught and worried between his teeth. 

Finn slowly realized there was more he had failed to notice. Poe was talking to him in a low and urgent tone. One of Poe’s hands slipped up to Finn’s shoulder and squeezed gently. The sounds Poe was making sounded like words, but Finn’s brain could not make sense of them for all he strained. He began to panic. The original flashback had been bad enough. Even thinking of it brought back the memories Finn and he flinched. His heart began to hammer in his chest as all his instincts screamed at him to run, to leave, to find a way to stop existing so he would not have to endure this. Tears welled up in his eyes. 

He heard his name again and met Poe’s eyes for just a moment. Then a movement in the corner of his vision caught his attention: Poe’s hand, leaning up to touch Finn’s cheek. He felt the dry, smooth skin of Poe’s thumb wipe his cheeks clean of tears. Momentarily overwhelmed, Finn leaned into the touch and closed his eyes. He inhaled deeply, and this time was different. He could still see the fires of Jakku and the awful stillness of corpses, and he could still smell ash, but he could also smell spices and motor oil and Poe’s shampoo. He let out a slow, shuddering breath and opened his eyes.

The fog clouding Finn’s mind lifted. His visions of the Finalizer and Jakku faded into memory and he was present once more. Something must have shown in his expression, because he heard Poe let out a quick laugh.

“You back with us, buddy?”

Finn nodded. When he spoke, his voice was hoarse and tight. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m - I’m good. Just...” 

Finn felt his throat close up as he tried to find the words to explain the deep unyielding horror of what he had remembered. Even now, he could feel it within him, settling in the back of his mind like a great black hole - empty, nothing and all consuming. 

“Hey. Hey, stay with me, pal. We’ll get through this. Do you remember those grounding exercises we were shown?”

“I think so. There was something about counting things?”

“Alright, I know the one. Do you want me to talk you through it?”

Finn nodded and squeezed Poe’s hand tightly. He was not at all convinced about these so-called mindfulness techniques, but he did have hope in the sound of Poe’s voice helping him relax.

“Let’s start with sight. Give me five things you can see.”

“You,” Finn said immediately, and that won him a small smile. “Black One. Sky. Trees.”

His lips were dry and cracked as he spoke. When Poe pressed a glass of water to his mouth, he drank gratefully without even thinking to try and take the glass for himself. Once the glass was empty, he looked around again. “Other pilots. I think - Jess? And - oh.”

Finn’s pupils dilated, his mouth hanging open uselessly. The pilots had set up a large bonfire in the middle of their circle. Raw and animalistic dread clawed at the inside of his chest. The fire was so high, and he could smell it, and he could hear the screams of the villages as their homes burnt around them until there were no villagers left to scream. The mask protected him from the ash and sand carried by hot winds through the night air, but did nothing to spare him from the smell of roasting flesh. 

A figure appeared in front of the fire. It was Poe again, reaching out and gently touching Finn’s cheek. “Hey. Hey, eyes on me, buddy. Can you do that for me?”

Finn tried to answer. His lips cracked as he spoke, but after a few words he realized no sound was coming out. He closed his mouth again and nodded silently. He could do that.

“Great, that’s good. Something set this off, didn’t it? Can you tell me what triggered it?”

“The fire,” Finn croaked out. “It - Poe, there was so much screaming, and I - I didn’t stop them, I - “

The next thing Finn knew, Poe was pulling him close into a tight hug. He hid his face in Poe’s shoulder to hide the tears that would not stop coming. Poe’s arms wrapped tightly around him, holding him safe and tight. He said nothing, but stayed still and let Finn ride out the full flood of horror he was enduring. After a little while, he fell silent. The giant gaping emptiness within him did not retreat, but it’s horror was not so all-consuming with Poe so close. Finn lifted his head and looked at Poe. His stare was distant and foggy, but apparently the sight of his face was still enough to make Poe smile.

“You back with us, Finn?”

Finn nodded silently and rested his cheek against Poe’s shoulder. “Tired.”

“I bet. You need to talk to the doc when we get back to the base?”

A few beats of silence passed. Finn took a moment to consider the option. The doctors were very good at helping him deal with the trauma he had endured. But they were also exhausting, and Finn did not think he had enough energy left in him to go through one of their sessions. Slowly, he shook his head.

“All right, no doctors tonight. What about being alone? Do you need some time to yourself?”

That got a much quicker response - Finn shook his head frantically and hugged Poe a little tighter.

“Woah, woah, it’s okay buddy. It was just a question. If you want me around, I won’t leave you alone. Promise.”

A soft sigh escaped Finn’s lips as he relaxed. “Want you. And... quiet. Sleep.”

“You got it, pal,” Poe promised him. “Whatever you need to recover, I’m there.”

As tiring as it was, Finn actually managed a small smile at that. “I know. Thanks.”

“Any time,” Poe grinned, patting him on the back. Finn’s smile grew a little stronger at that. Recovery would not be an easy, but he wasn’t facing it alone. They would get there together.


End file.
